That Magic Moment

We became one of *those* blogs.  A dozen posts, then poof, no more activity.  I feel badly about that.  We are indeed still alive.   I have been a lurker (a bad lurker at that,  I left comments)  for the past many months.

Life has been tough going lately.

In January of this year, we moved to a different state, (James still has the same job but transferred locations).   I started working full time, 45+ hours a week.   I no longer had the time to devote to our home, or my friends, or my cooking, or my art,  or worst of all, James.

I tried to become active in the DD community.   We purchased a membership to “The network”, and I met a few people.   I enjoyed the chats, but they started too late for my schedule, and the nights I chatted I always felt better, but then I wouldn’t get enough sleep, and I’d be exhausted the next day, which inevitably added to the stress that often caused more arguments  I slowly fell away from the network,  we let our membership lapse, We stagnated.   

On good weeks we had positive date nights, and wonderful weekends together,  on bad weeks, our Fridays we had fights that would sour the whole weekend.   Gradually DD took a hike.   (I may or may not have told him to shove it.)  Our Fridays punctuated with fights grew more numerous, and more severe.  James started counting them.  

I began to feel hopeless and alone.  I don’t have many friends in this state,  the job I have is decent, but isn’t something I’m passionate about.  I lost all my free time to invest in things I enjoy and am passionate about,  and I don’t really have the time to meet new people either.

We both realize that we need to make some life changes so we can get back to what is really important (us).   However, these changes will take time.  My job currently is necessary to pay for some spending goals we have (a wedding!) while incurring absolutely zero debt.   It does help to know that this hard work is for a bigger goal that will benefit us immensely in the long run, but it doesn’t make it easier.

We have had a D/s style relationship for our entire relationship, in one flavor or another.  It has made us so incredibly close, and added so much depth to our relationship in so many layers.   The bad news is that when things get stressful,  DD (TiH, D/s) is one of the first things to go.   The good news is that since we are a much stronger relationship then many others (if I do say so myself)  we have survived more then many other relationships would have.  In the end we have always come back to each others arms, sometimes broken, even shattered.   But still here.

I wonder how many DD relationships begin out of “The Last Straw”?  That final fight.  Maybe it was the most intense,  maybe it was relatively mellow. But something about it made one or both of you decide That’s It.   Something has to give, something has to change.   

Even though we have always had some kind of Dominance and submission in our relationship,  we recently had “The last straw”.   James said it was fight number 37.   It started as a missed text message.   A technical glitch.  It resulted in hurt feelings,  which resulted in a bad attitude,  which resulted in James being “Hoh’y” which resulted in me pulling away, which resulted in him pushing harder….  It unraveled from there.  It was a fight that had the power to ruin the weekend and more.   

But we were strong enough to stop it, and come back together.  We reaffirmed our roles in the relationship, and I’m hoping this time it sticks.  Maybe “The Last Straw”  should be re-branded as “That Magic Moment”?

Ultimately,  I’m aware that nothing will REALLY change until we can change our day to day lives,  but we are working on that, slowly.

-Patricia