We became one of *those* blogs. A dozen posts, then poof, no more activity. I feel badly about that. We are indeed still alive. I have been a lurker (a bad lurker at that, I left comments) for the past many months.
Life has been tough going lately.
In January of this year, we moved to a different state, (James still has the same job but transferred locations). I started working full time, 45+ hours a week. I no longer had the time to devote to our home, or my friends, or my cooking, or my art, or worst of all, James.
I tried to become active in the DD community. We purchased a membership to “The network”, and I met a few people. I enjoyed the chats, but they started too late for my schedule, and the nights I chatted I always felt better, but then I wouldn’t get enough sleep, and I’d be exhausted the next day, which inevitably added to the stress that often caused more arguments I slowly fell away from the network, we let our membership lapse, We stagnated.
On good weeks we had positive date nights, and wonderful weekends together, on bad weeks, our Fridays we had fights that would sour the whole weekend. Gradually DD took a hike. (I may or may not have told him to shove it.) Our Fridays punctuated with fights grew more numerous, and more severe. James started counting them.
I began to feel hopeless and alone. I don’t have many friends in this state, the job I have is decent, but isn’t something I’m passionate about. I lost all my free time to invest in things I enjoy and am passionate about, and I don’t really have the time to meet new people either.
We both realize that we need to make some life changes so we can get back to what is really important (us). However, these changes will take time. My job currently is necessary to pay for some spending goals we have (a wedding!) while incurring absolutely zero debt. It does help to know that this hard work is for a bigger goal that will benefit us immensely in the long run, but it doesn’t make it easier.
We have had a D/s style relationship for our entire relationship, in one flavor or another. It has made us so incredibly close, and added so much depth to our relationship in so many layers. The bad news is that when things get stressful, DD (TiH, D/s) is one of the first things to go. The good news is that since we are a much stronger relationship then many others (if I do say so myself) we have survived more then many other relationships would have. In the end we have always come back to each others arms, sometimes broken, even shattered. But still here.
I wonder how many DD relationships begin out of “The Last Straw”? That final fight. Maybe it was the most intense, maybe it was relatively mellow. But something about it made one or both of you decide That’s It. Something has to give, something has to change.
Even though we have always had some kind of Dominance and submission in our relationship, we recently had “The last straw”. James said it was fight number 37. It started as a missed text message. A technical glitch. It resulted in hurt feelings, which resulted in a bad attitude, which resulted in James being “Hoh’y” which resulted in me pulling away, which resulted in him pushing harder…. It unraveled from there. It was a fight that had the power to ruin the weekend and more.
But we were strong enough to stop it, and come back together. We reaffirmed our roles in the relationship, and I’m hoping this time it sticks. Maybe “The Last Straw” should be re-branded as “That Magic Moment”?
Ultimately, I’m aware that nothing will REALLY change until we can change our day to day lives, but we are working on that, slowly.
Courage is as often the outcome of despair as of hope; in the one case we have nothing to lose, in the other everything to gain. ~Diane de Poitiers
Seize every opportunity along the way, for how sad it would be if the road you chose became the road not taken. ~Robert Brault, http://www.robertbrault.com
We have been away to long, more to come.
I feel I must apologize. I didn’t intend on being one of “those” new blogs, that posts a little then fizzles and dies. But you see, it’s the middle of the Summer and we’re busy!
My dearest amazing man has purchased me a toy. An awesome wilderness systems kayak! It’s SO pretty, a lovely light blue. So we’ve been busy with our boats on the various lakes and rivers around us. We live in the North East USA so there are our choice of amazing places to go.
It has been AMAZING for our relationship. We get out in the wilderness, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. He teaches me, I trust him, I learn from him. It’s wonderful. We’re also both very drawn to the water, so it’s also extremely relaxing.
The only downside is, as I said, we live in the North East USA. Summer is very short lived. So if you in blog-land would be so kind to forgive us a temporary hiatus until the weather is cold and miserable again. I promise it won’t take too long 😉
Life is still nutty. The aforementioned Graduation is tomorrow evening, and of course the kid’s long distance boyfriend is visiting for a few weeks, so there is that excitement and madness as well. Divorce and 3 “parents” make this even more interesting, It’s awkward for the kid to have her father, her mother, AND me in one place at one time, and there has been a lot of that this month. We’re going to have to get used to it, girlie will be getting married someday, no doubt. Anyway, she’s done well, graduating with honors, we’re (all) proud of her, family drama aside.
On another note entirely, I’m going to vent!
I remembered a particular Looney Tunes cartoon today, (It took a little bit of research to find it online). About a harried busy housewife explaining what she did on a given day to her ungrateful husband, who complained that “women have so much time and never seem to get things done”.
It ended with her smacking him with a rolling pin. (I was shocked, I would NEVER do such a thing to James, never ever! *snerk*…. )
For those who didn’t know, I as well am a stay at home wife. We are so fortunate to have this opportunity, (especially since we don’t have kids at home. James’ only daughter is 18 and lives with her mother)
I must note that James does not take after the husband in this skit, he very much values my time, and doesn’t over schedule me. I run into trouble with my family and some of our friends, who seem to think that since I am “unemployed” that I have oodles of unending time at my disposal, which is an exceedingly frustrating assumption!
Firstly, I’m not “unemployed” – I stay at home – there is a difference, my friends. James prefers to phrase it that I “work for him”, and I do. Secondly, the assumption is incorrect that I have unending time on my hands to do such things as:
-watch your children
-watch your elderly
-watch your animals
-pick up/drop off (fill in the blank)
-clean your house
-plan your event
-bake/cook you a (fill in the blank) [cake decorating is a popular one, I am talented in this arena and get asked quite frequently.]
-be a dentist or doctor appointment chauffeur
-or be a chauffeur of any other kind
-or a get away vehicle
-coordinate your alien invasion
-did I mention watch your children?? I’m assumed to be a built in babysitter quite often!
It’s unbelievable the things I am asked to do by friends and family on a weekly basis. Whats even more extraordinary is that when I refuse due to a schedule conflict, or simply lack of desire to do the chore being requested, I get met with irritation! They are annoyed that I can’t make room in my “wide open” schedule to accommodate their needs!
James loves to say I am his gift. (Awww, I know, he is amazingly sweet!) And he doesn’t share his gift with just anyone. My weeks are filled with our chores; laundry, cleaning, shopping, meal planning, banking, and the like. But I also fit in socializing time with other stay at home gal-pals, like I said folks, it’s a luxury! We intend to enjoy it!
The OTHER note worthy point is that – The girl is 18! James intentionally only had one, and I intentionally didn’t have any. We’re done raising kids, we don’t want to raise yours!
This isn’t to say that I never help out when I’m asked – I actually do quite a bit of helping friends and family with their obligations. But it should be my choice, and I shouldn’t be guilted into it.
I will come off my soap box now.. My soap operas and bon bons await!
I apologize for the quiet few weeks there, friends.
The Man and I have been settling down after our move, and I suppose we’ve entered a new “normal”. It’s different from our old normal, new place, new environment, new roommates. However, life is definitely becoming far less hectic, and becoming joyful again.
As (bad) stress is slowing down, some “good” stress is speeding up. We’re in the middle of the kid’s high school graduation madness, as well as summer activities and travel. In three weeks span there is The “Art Gala”, The “Awards Night” (she rocked an academic award!), The “Graduation Party at the Lake” and.. of course… The Graduation itself! Who knew graduating high school was such a shindig?
One of the (not so?) surprising side effects of our newly less stressful life, is that we aren’t arguing as much anymore, and I’m getting spanked far less. Though the surprising part is that, I sort of miss the control. I am behaving, mostly… He hasn’t found much reason TO spank me, which is a good thing, right? It means DD is working, right? Why do I feel so weird about it?
Though, (I sympathize with Story at http://stormy-shelterinthestorm.blogspot.com/2011/06/stormys-panty-ometer.html)
I got a stinking speeding ticket this past week. I honestly expected to be punished for it. I tried to get the cop to see mercy, and he didn’t, but James did. I came home with a ticket for 79 in a 55, and didn’t get spanked somehow, miraculously? I did come home extremely apologetic, and I knew I had screwed up. I think he thought I was punishing myself enough.
Today I’m sitting in a Japanese tea house, in a city 300 miles from home, while ‘TheMan’ is at a business meeting. He brings me along, because I do not work (I stay home) and he prefers I do not stay home alone, so I go with on business travel most of the time. Last weekend was a 4 day vacation for us, in a mountain/lake town not too far from us, a few hours drive.
I enjoyed the views, and some amazing maple ice cream, and a wonderful seafood supper! He is spoiling me again.
Life is better. I feel more happy for sure. But I suppose also slightly incomplete.
I hope to post more.
Patricia and are now settling into our new living arrangement.
It is a very nice feeling to be done with the burden of moving and relocating.
Our routine here at our new home has been largely relaxed thus far. Patricia has been excellent at helping get things done and settled.
I have long pondered in my life the difference between structure and scheduling. I like structure, I tend to frown on scheduling.
Scheduling to me means being a slave to the clock. I hate having 9 min for this or 22 min for that. I realize that in our practical world, some things need to be scheduled, but this is where I sway toward structure.
I consider structure an intention of how you will be spending the day.
I realize that structure is important in order to be able to spend time doing what is important in your life.
Patricia and I were talking last night, it came up that, “we don’t seem to be doing this or that anymore”.
I am pondering that time is slipping away a bit because of my lack of “structure”.
Patricia needs to feel a little more control, she expressed this need to me.
Turning the page a bit….
Most modern successful time management systems are based on “chunking”.
“Chunking” is my style. It’s not so much living by the clock, but ordering your day to have time for the things you want to spend time on.
A good example could be, I am setting aside Tue and Thu evening, as a “chunk” to go to a class or night school.
I don’t like being over scheduled and rigid. It is wonderful to be able to keep some time open in your life for those random phone calls that say, “Hey come to dinner tomorrow”.
There are some things in our life that are important to Patricia and I that I don’t seem to be “getting to”.
So once again readers, I think this question is mostly directed at the “Home Executives Doers”.
How do you use structure and scheduling in your life and routine to be successful?
I have seen the benefits of “time trade”. By having Patricia handle many of the things around the home, it frees up time for other things.
Most importantly, I need to set aside some time to give Patricia bottom some attention!
I have not really asked our readers here for feedback much, I suppose this i a bit of an experiment.
The journey into this DD/HOH lifestyle has been an enlightening experience. We are beginning to see the many benefits it brings our relationship.
But let me get straight to my question…
For me, Punishment is easy to understand, Maintenance is not.
I need to fully acknowledge the need for maintenance in a DD/HOH relationship. It is an important part of maintaining discipline and giving Patricia that feeling of protection and control she desires.
Punishment is easy for me to understand. You break a rule, you acknowledge the offense and you administer corrective discipline as soon as practical.
This is a good moment to mention the use of “ritual” in the application of DD, something I hope to improve upon.
Patricia has a need to understand what offense she is being punished for, as the punishment is being administered. It allows her to process and correct her behavior in a better mental way.
But as I am reading and thinking of my words here, I can clarify my question a bit better.
What is a good ritual for application of maintenance spanking?
In the case of Patricia and I, using the Punishment Ritual will not be affective. In our circumstance, it’s awkward to punish, “just because”.
I am sure I can work up something, but I need to set Patricia’s “Mental Channel” before I administer discipline.
If I don’t, the discipline will fail, because Patricia need to understand what is happening so she can process it..
I suppose a followup question would be, how often and when does your relationship require maintenance?
Once again, I see the importance, I need to understand the practical usage and application.
Constructive comments are welcomed.